You might have heard that Donald Trump is selling his own version of the Christian Bible, the God Bless America Bible. This is not that. The Trump Bible is a satirical version of the Christian Bible, rewritten as if in the distinction voice of Donald Trump.
From the early lines of the Trump Bible, for example, we read: “The creator of the universe was great, really. We’re big fans. Never been bigger. Even the universe needed development, though. The creator isn’t winning any more. But hey, no one ever got anything done without having a lot of critics standing on the sidelines, explaining why things can’t get done. So, we give thanks to Donald Trump for inspiring this new gospel, putting his faith into action.”
The introduction to the Trump Bible advises: “Some may wish to dismiss the Trump Bible as ‘fake’, but in these days of fake news reported as fact, who is to judge whether this version of the Bible is genuine? Readers will be capable of judging its truth for themselves.”
From the Book of Trump Deuteronomy, we get the following scripture: “They’re all a bunch of liberals who hate God. They don’t understand how great God is, but we’re going to show them. Kill them all. We will repay their hatred of god to their faces, and destroy them all, because we remember the commandment: Thou shall not kill… except for all the people I tell you to kill.”
Then, in the Book of Trump Lamentations, the voice of the MAGA Holy Spirit speaks: “The doors of the Tower are desolate. The priests sigh about what goes on here, and the virgins are afflicted. Outside, Ivana is in bitterness. The Lord Trump has afflicted her for the multitude of her transgressions. Their children have gone into captivity in the tower, afflicted with the Stockholm Syndrome.”
It’s not orthodox, exactly, but in these days of extremist Christian Nationalism spreading across the United States of America, never has a Bible been so authentic.